AshkeVenus' Journal

7:19PM - quick fill in

Well.... hm.... been a while hm? I now have the net and can go on it whenever and that's kewl! I live in a new place with my friend Jessie and her mom and their two zaney dogs Maxine and Baby... Erica and I broke up but are trying to be friends even though it's hard for numerous reasons... she's still the closest person i know (close as in knows me close) and i wouldn't trade her or anything involving her for anything... she helped me grow up.... I quit my stupid aggrivating job at Walmart after they set me up to fire me..... I am talking with my Mom and my Dad (wow that's kinda funny huh?) and i've gotten in touch with more of my family.  My current cell # is 570-933-5390 so text at anytime (it's easier then calling to simply say Hi and hang up...) and i'm usually on aim now too.  There really isn't much else to say so.... tootles!!!

Current mood: contemplative

4:03PM - Erica Marie Wertman: The rest of my life started 2 years ago...

*shamelessly pasted from my myspace...deal with it*
So, I bummed my left knee, i have to go to the ER and get it checked, and next Saturday marks 2 years with Erica... yeah, 2 years with someone who, to this very day, makes me fall madly in love with them every second of the day. It might sound crazy to you or you might say "that isn't true" or "that's impossible"... but I am telling the most honest truth i've ever told.  She is an amazing person, who has done so much for me and sacrificed so much for us that I can't even describe how amazing she is.  She can make me smile when all I would rather do is cry; she can make me laugh like no one else can; she can hold me in her arms for just a moment and that moment feels like there is only her holding me and nothing else in the world.  She is the only person i can safetly say that i've ever truly loved and been in love with whole heartedly; i would live and breath for her and bleed and die for her if it came down to it; if it came down to her life or mine, i would forefit my own with the clearest of thoughts in my head: she would alive and safe and happy.  If the pathways of my life ever lead me to a choice like that, I wouldn't have to think, it would be an automatic choice.  I place her life above mine, her heart above my own, and her happieness and soul ahead of anyone elses. I would suffer all her pains and worries if she would let me, on top of my own. I would keep the harshness of the world from her, if i could, so that she could live out her life with me without having to be worried or anxious.  If i could, i would bare all the weight of the world if only to make life easier and happier for her... but i can't seem to do that. i know that i can never do all (if any) of these things i want to do, but I can try to the best of my abilities to do as much as I can for her so that she knows what I am all about...

I know that she knows all my thoughts and intentions for her and us, but i also know that people like to hear what their significant other feels about them... and I feel like i've found the only person in the world who is meant to be with me for the rest of my life. i have found the person who doesn't make me feel like i'm always alone; i have found the person who can be gone for 6 hours and i can greet them at the door with a huge smile and hug and kiss and make it seem like it's been forever since they've been home; i have found the person who i want to raise a family with, who i want to grow old (and more insane) with, and whom i would love to lay next to in our home and die peacefully beside when all the paths of life have been traveled...save the last.  In all of my experiences in this world, and all of my mistakes and bad choices, i have found the one choice that i never regretted making: giving a very nervous woman a simple "yes" that become the start of the rest of my life... I found the first letter she ever wrote me in my email today; it was for our one month anniversary... i can't get it to past onto here, but suffice it to say that as i reread what she had written to me, i cried my eyes out.  It lead me to type this blog, in fact, and it made me realize just how lucky i am to have her in my life, to have her as the best part of my life. I am more then lucky, I am beyond blessed... i have her in my life and i have her for the rest of my life and i just don't know what to do with myself!!! ::laughs happily::

Erica Marie Wertman: The rest of my life started 2 years ago when i said "the answer to your question is yes" and watched you stumble down the halls of Butz backwards... there have been times of great joy and times of great pain and sorrow... there have been ups and downs and mistakes and forgivenesses... all in all, i'm very glad and proud that i said yes, because it led me to life i have, now, with you and I am so thankful and happy that you are my partner, my lover, my soul mate, my best friend... I love you and cherish you and appreciate you more then any words in any language could ever come close to describing... if by my living or dying i could make any and all things right for you, then so be it... if i could make you happy by loving you, then it is done. I have never loved anyone as i love you, and i tell you this in truth and with my heart open and resting in your hands: i love you. i love who you are, what you do, how you feel, what you think. i love when you laugh or when you cry, i love your spirit when you fight with me and i love your soul when you can put your head on my shoulder and cry; i love you when you can curl up next to me and fall asleep just holding me, and i love, most of all, that i can still see how much you love me when i look into your eyes. Thank you for being you and thank you for loving me as much and as long as you have. i hope that in the years and life to come, i can give back to you all that you have given to me... Happy 2 Year Anniversary

Current mood: loved

Current music: my typing

7:51AM - News, news, and oh, yes...more news

So, I'm now a commuter at CCC, I'll graduate in January (finally), my other half took a leave of abscence to recoup...life is interesting at the moment.  I have been staying with her and her mom since the end of October, I have been watching her adorable niece and nephew, and i've been searching for a job/apartment.  Well, we found an apartment, but i have yet to find the job type thing...which upsets me, but i can't work where i'm at since i'm going to be moving (can you imagine me asking for a job where i get to say i can only work for 1.5 months due to moving!?)....

Mum got a new puppy!!! She's australian husky and something else, but she's gorgeous and her name is Mika (pronounce Meeka)...her markings are like a meere cat so I got to name her!! heeheehee!!! Have yet to see a pic yet, but i'll get see some in about 2 weeks cuz mum is coming for CHRISTMAS!!!! ::grins like an idiot:: four days of my mum!!! Haven't seen her in like a year, and most of you know how STRANGE that is for my mom and I....

Oh, i'm sick with the flu now...so is erica...which is fun when you're trying to wrangle a 3 year old and year and a half old into one place!!! HA!!!! Cute by psychotic!!! ::laughs bitterly:: But they are good kids, just sometimes a handful...

Hope everyones holidays and such are wonderful and amazing!!!

Current mood: sick

2:03PM - humble thanks and such...

So, I'm just sitting in my room now (which is now in steinbright because this school is totally cracked) and a couple of thoughts have been in my head lately...does anyone know why life likes to always throw punches at you when you have finally recovered from the last blow? Last week I got a call from my mom...she had to go to the hospital for emergency blood work because she had terrible vertigo and she was sick and dizzy.  Needless to say, I was damn worried because my mom has Aplastic Anemia, a border-line Lukemic blood disorder. She was diagnosed with this disorder when she was pregnant with me, and went through her first bone-marrow biopsy alone at 7.5 months pregnant (my dad had been deployed).  Over the years, her blood counts have been monitored with quarterly or six-month readings, but since I moved to college, and because she's moved around so much, she hasn't had counts done in a few years.  She also has a hyperthyroid, which requires medication of which she does not have.  The last week has been filled with my wondering if my mother would be ok, if I would need to fly home (if her counts drop low enough or something is really wrong, my brother and I were the only relatives that could match her in the event of her needing a bone-marrow transplant, now I'm the only one), if I'd end up having to see my mom in a hospital, and it made me extremely greatful for the things that are in my life.  I even found a random picture of my dad online; a current random picture...it was weird seeing him...he gained weight...anyway...

My point is that I am extremly lucky in the fact that my mom is still alive for me today; i'm lucky that I had a brother for as long as i did, who loved me and who protected me and who cared for me in the way only a brother can; for having a dad who sacrificed and loved me a great deal (even though he chose another woman over my mom and that woman's children over me) when he was still in my life; for having an amazing fiance who makes me realize everyday that I have an extradorinarily blessed life right now.  We're getting a car together...we'll be getting an apartment together...we'll be spending our lives together, and I can't, for the life of me, understand why I have ended up so lucky.

So much has happened to me in my life that i often wondered when I would finally find good, solid ground underneath me. i never thought that I would find such rare and amazing friends like Kris, Miranda, Katie, Summer, even you Dani.  I have some pretty awesome friends here at school [Amanda, my Hugger, Uruki,Precious,Yunari, Grace, Nadine, and my Lil, Karen, Allie, Ness (who's coming back)], but those of you who've known me for years and years *stop rolling your eyes Dani* have stuck with me for what seems like forever...time goes on, and it keeps on going, but we stay together...we loose touch, we reappear on the face of the earth, but we never forget.  You guys are the ones who I could always look to when I needed someone; you've always been around for me. I just wanted to tell you all that I love you and thank you for being there for me, for whatever the reason. Just...thank you, all of you.

And now, the only person I am thinking of is you, Erica.  You are the love of my life, my soulmate, my other and (often times) my better half.  You keep me sane and safe and strong when everything else is falling apart.  We've had our ups and downs (who doesn't?!), but through it all,  I have loved you, and I love you more and more each day.  You have no idea how much you mean to me, how important you are to me...seeing you laugh, seeing you smile, seeing you....and days when i wish the world would just end righ then and there, you are what keeps me going.  You make my life so much more then it was, and i don't think you realize it...to be totally evil, i'm stealing this from your LJ:

Truth be told: She will never know how much i love her, she has no idea what i would do for her, she does not know that she is my universe, she will never know i would kill for her, she has no idea i would die for her, she does not know she takes my breath away, she will never understand what she does to me, she has no idea she still makes me nervous, she does not know how much i miss her when she's gone.  Truth be told: She doesn't know any of this...but i will spend the rest of my life making it perfectly clear, and letting her know that i will never love anyone else, and no one will ever love her like i do

Now that i'm crying, all i can finish with is that i love you erica, more then you know, and i'm so damn lucky and happy to have you.  You're the reason things make sense, and you're the reason that i know that i can survive anything; i survived so much already, and it lead me to you...i can survive much more if it means that you'll be there with me, through it all.  Thank you for loving me and being with me. Thank you for understanding me and knowing me.  i don't know how to repay you or show you or tell you what it is exactly that you mean to me, or what it is exactly that you do to me...but gods above and below, i will find a way to let you know, for the rest of my life, i'll show you everyday.  I love you...so much. Thank you for sticking with me, although sometimes i'm sure you question why...thank you regardless. Thank you for loving me, for making me feel, for the first time in my life, that I am finally home; somewhere safe, somewhere i belong, somewhere that i am me, and that is good enough.  You make me feel so special, so loved, so incredibly cherished, that i don't know how i can pay you back, and i can't begin to fathom how or why you make me feel this way, especially when i feel that i don't desrve it...i love you.

Current mood: loved

Current music: chrno crusade soundtrack

12:24AM - Hospital visits, feeling better, and getting something off my chest...

So, I just got back from the hospital with Eric.  He has the flu, feels like shit, and isn't really doing too well.  He'll be resting though, thankfully, because it's spring break (and because I'm going to baby him ::smiles::).  This whole day was bad, full of my crying and me worrying about him.  And mostly because this morning, due to my inability to sleep while wired from a trip to the gym AND coffee...I wrote a letter.  That dealt with my feelings about a particular person.  Heather Timberman. And this is what I had to say:

I will never trust you or respect you every again.  you did underhanded things behind my back, disliked me being with Eric from the get-go, and tried on many occasions to profess a love that was one-sided, effectively trying to squeeze yourself into a relationship that had nothing to do with you.  You kissed my fiance (when he was my boyfriend) TWICE, try to make me feel like being with him is some sort of a problem, and don't support our relationship.  I'm done treating you with civility in anyone's presence anymore. I'm done keeping my feelings quiet because I don't want to hurt Karen or anyone else.  But you have crossed the line too many times, and I'm done.  I'm tired of having to play nice with you for the sake of peace.  I don't trust you...I will never trust you....and I lost all respect for you that April night on the Library steps when I withheld all the anger and pain I felt towards you for what you did.  You have no right to treat me like a problem, a nuisance or something vile. What the hell did i ever do to you? You were supposed to be a friend to me...some friend.  You are now the type of person who belongs in Dante's 9th Circle of Hell: The level reserved for traitors.  You, who so boldly paraded as a friend, but really, you were just a terrific actress.  You will never be a friend or anything else to me, save a betrayer and a liar.
You talked about me, without mentioning my name, online.  I fired right back at you without a qualm....but now, I'm using your name.  Why not?  Should I be afraid or worried?  I really don't care...Heather Timberman, you are incapable of being a friend and are undeserving of trust.

If this message upsets you, email me (Tkrizek@cedarcrest.edu), leave me a note here on LJ or even on MySpace or Facebook.  You make me out to be some sort of evil creature or obstacle...well, this creature, this thing, is done letting you walk all over her.  I'm not threatening you, not even close...but I will say this:  cut the crap.

And now...I feel loads better!

Current mood: ecstatic

Current music: My husband's breathing

3:41AM - Just something very dear to me...

This song makes me cry everytime I hear it....I had to post the lyrics to get it out of my head =-p
It's me to a "T"...however, I don't think anyone else would agree, accept for you (to others I'm a bitch, a psycho kitty, something that's too much or not right for you)...Just one more thing to say: My heart is in your hands and belongs to you as long as time exists...as long as the world goes on, and even when it doesn't...I just wanted you to know...I Love You, my Best Friend, my Lover, my Heart, my Husband, my World...through thick and thin, good and bad, ups and downs...I Love You, Always ::kiss:: TLW (K...;-p )
In every heart there is a room, A sanctuary safe and strong, to heal the wounds from lovers past, until a new one comes along. I spoke to you in cautious tones, You answered me with no pretense, And still I feel I said too much, My silence is my self defense. And every time I've held a rose, it seems I only felt the thorns, and so it goes, and so it goes, and so will you soon I suppose. But if my silence made you leave, then that would be my worst mistake, so I will share this room with you, and you can have this heart to break. And this is why my eyes are closed, it’s just as well for all I've seen, and so it goes, and so it goes and you're the only one who knows. So I would choose to be with you, that’s if the choice were mine to make, But you can make decisions too, And you can have this heart to break. And so it goes, and so it goes, and you're the only one who knows.

~And So It Goes-Billy Joel~

Current mood: contemplative

Current music: BIlly Joel's And So It Goes...for the 30th time...

12:28PM - 10 MONTHS!!!

* I shamelessly copied this from my Myspace because I can't retype it again...not at all::smiles::*
10 MONTHS!!! Heeheehee!! 10 months and I'm still as head-over-heels in love as I was when we first started. Well, more in love, if that makes any sense!   Gods, I've never been in love like this before, when you know that the person you are with is ment to be yours for the rest of your life. When you know that no matter the arguements, the tifts and the disagreements, you can suddenly burst out laughing and feel better simply by making your feelings known (and the pillow fight or tickle match helps too ::laughs::)  And in the middle of the night, when you wake up just to make sure that he is sleeping alright, that he has some of the blanket, that he isn't huggling your pillow (which happens now and again ), you know. Most especially you know when the greatest thought you have is about him... about the next time that you'll see him and you count down the minutes...about how happy you'll be when all you have to do is drop everything, forget the world and just be in his arms, ignoring all else but eachother.  Those are the times when I realize how blessed I am, and I send up a silent prayer to whomever is listening thanking them for giving to me such an amazing and truly wonderful person to love.  

So many times I've wondered how I've survived all the crap that has happened to me in last few months and I realized that it was all because of one person: Eric.  His love and support (even when I'm being the devil  or an all-out psycho ) are what sustained me when nothing else did.  He is the reason that I have survived so much (and why others have also survived ::laughs evily:: ), and he is the reason that I continue to thrive. Others have helped a little at times, but he is the one that I know, without a doubt, that I can always count on to make everything ok, or to my strength when I need it.  Thank you so much for being yourself and for loving me. We may argue and growl at each other on occasion (), and we may not always have the same view of things, but you love me anyway, and I Love You.  I will always love you, and you will always have my heart. Happy Anniversary Eric! 

*Special Note*   To those who said we wouldn't make it this long, or tried their best to wiggle their way in, I give you the single finger salute and tell you all to grow the hell up.  Every relationship is different, every one has its pitfalls and hardships.  Just because some fail doesn't mean that others will.  Just because you people are miserable doesn't give you the right to dictate who can be happy and who can't. In my opinion, you are the people that deserve to be pitied for your inability to be caring, understanding and mature human beings.  You are the people who deserve what you got because you were incapable of keeping something together. Some things are just not meant to be, and some things ARE. This is one of those things that IS meant to be.  So, in the future, kindly keep your relationships out of mine, and keep your opinions to yourself, unless you think that by some miracle, you can help better my relationship.  However, I highly doubt the later option, so if it is at all possible, just keep silent on the subject.

Current mood: loved

Current music: random talking

1:24PM - A very large SCREW YOU...

*Shamelessly copied from my Myspace...deal with it....=P
A very large SCREW YOU to the people in the world who find it necessary to make my life a living hell...what the FUCK is WRONG with you people?!  Do you have some sort of defect that you HAVE to find a way to irritate me?!  Is it in some sort of contract that you signed when you popped out of your hole in the ground, or is it a special goal of yours to ultimately be an asshole?!?! I can't even begin to fathom how all of you can be so damn obnoxious, selfish, self-absorbed and loathsome all at once!!! Get Over Yourselves!!! You aren't the only ones who exsist in this world!!! And you aren't the only ones who matter either! Grow up and realize that people have lives that don't revolve around you!! TTTHHHHHHBBBBBB!!!!!!!!<---me blowing an angry raseberry at all of you
Oh....and you can all curl up and die somewhere for I'll I care...don't care when, where or how...just go ahead and die. ::flips you all off and walks away::  ---from 12-7
*Upon further infuriating details from this day, I would like to add that I DON'T CARE if YOU don't like me being engaged to HIM.  "He" is called Eric and my name is Tara, not HER. You are well aware of this, and if you have a fucking problem with me, get off your god-damn ass and say something about it.  Don't take cheap stabs at me online. Step up to the fucking plate and open your god-damn mouth. Stop trying to stir up trouble and stop thinking that you have ANY bearing whatsever on my relationship. This relationship involves two people, and you are most definately not either of them. Concentrate on your own relationship and stop trying to find your way back into a place that no longer exsists. Stop acting as if nothing in the world matters besides you and what you are going through.  There are more problematic issues in the world then you being depressed because you can't have something that you lost.  And need I remind you that up until all of this started, you had been a great friend to me. But then you proved to be untrustworthy, and now....I don't know who you are, but all I can see is someone who repeatedly attempts to put monkey wrenches in my relationship...why can't you just let me be happy? Better yet, why can't you just let Eric be happy? What is so fucking wrong witht that?! What, because it's not you?! GROW UP!!! You have an amazing woman at your side who loves and adores you...but...you just can't seem to be happy and content with that, can you? No...you have to keep trying to mess with something that has nothing to do with you!! STOP IT!! I don't care if this hurts, but damn it, something has to be said. I'm sick of having to defend how much time I spend with Eric and how much we are together to you. I'm tired of having to even talk about the fact that my relationship needs to be defended to you...why the hell is that? WE don't have to defend our relationship, you just have to accept it. I'm not going anywhere...I'm marrying him. I'm having a family with him. I'm spending my life with him, and that's that.

Current mood: pissed off

Current music: the sound of a keyboard

3:59PM - My Angel

 Shameless pasting from my MySpace...deal with it!!

So....I have come to the conclusion that although I have my share of differences with God or whomever it is that likes to throw boulders into my path, they have given my a very, Very, VERY  special and beautiful Angel as the love of my life.  I can't even begin to explain how amazing it is to know that I have someone who, for the rest of my life, will see fit to love me no matter what for the rest of our lives and longer.  I have found someone who has suffered so much because of me and my inability to cope, to talk about what I'm feeling, to let anyone in completely....they have suffered and gotten into every single crevice of my being.  Every crack in my soul and heart, every part of me that always felt like it was hiding in shadow....now there is a sense of wholeness and healing...of being put back together by the most gentle of hands and hearts.  I have an Angel, a godsend, a saving grace that always seems to be there to catch me...to grab my hand at the last possible moment and pull me back to reality...to pull me back to myself and to them...they always save me.

I don't know how to thank someone who can withstand all the hell I've put them through...I don't know how to even begin to put thoughts or words together to express what it's like to feel this unworldly feeling of being unconditionally loved by someone so amazing...I don't know how to pay you back for saving me over and over again....but I'll spend the rest of my life trying to do that.  You've taken the broken pieces that have thus far made me up, and you have somehow put them back together into some semblence of a person...you've healed the cracks and filled the crevices...You have Saved me....and I can't thank you enough for that.

And...just for anyone out there who thinks that they can't find happieness or love with just one person....that just one person can't change your life or make you feel like the most important person in the world...go to hell.  You have no idea what love can do for you....unless of course you think it's merely fun and games, hearts and roses....it's hard, tough, painful and eye-opening.  It can be the clearest truth you'll ever know.  But for those who don't respect it enough or haven't the strength or will power to be true to love, you don't deserve it.  I strongly believe that everyone deserves love and happieness...but if you are foolish enough to scounder it or toss it to the side because you can't handle it or because you are to afraid to be alone....you all deserve what you get.  As harsh as that sounds, love is not something that you fuck around with....you cherish it and you keep it safe from all harm....why let something so precious and perfect become something so frail and tarnished that you have no clue what the hell it is??? It's not right and it's not fair....if that's what happens to love when you have it, you seriously don't deserve it because you don't know how to take care of it......

Current mood: loved

Current music: people talking...

11:39AM - "When I saw you I fell in love, and you smiled because you knew." I'm in Love and ENGAGED!!!

*This is taken straight from my MySpace blog...I was too lazy to try and retype it ::smiles weakly::*
This weekend was AMAZING!!!  I had the most romantic night Friday night...dinner set-up in the room on a tiny table, string lights around the bed, soft music and low lights...and the most romantic and amazing thing in the world happened!!! My saviour, my lover, my best friend in the world asked me be their wife for the second time!!!  I cried while it happened...I cried after it happened...heck, I cried when I said yes.  I couldn't talk for what seemed like a minute...I was so shocked I just threw myself at Eric and nearly toppled us both over.  We hugged, we kissed...we spent the entire weekend together....it was a great weekend!!

We even went to visit Jess, Shan and Nadiney at there apartment. Karen was there, and Christy, gods even Nikki who I haven't seen in like a year and half, almost two!! Smurf was there too...it was fun times!  A psychic was there...Eric got a reading done...got smacked on the arm! The whole back story is that Tina (the psychic) came to CCC to sell some things (I got a mask, Eric got a rainstick), and Eric asked about readings; general questions on what can or can't be asked, what can be told, etc.  Tina said she could be as specific or as non-specific as you wanted; if you didn't want to know something she wouldn't tell you, but if it seemed really important or like it was a repetative idea, then she would say something.  She told Eric that if he was being stupid about our relationship (worrying for no reason), she would smack him.  Hence the smack on the arm! I laughed and threw my hair clip at Eric...punk!

~Anyway~ Life is Great. Got my mom's new cell phone number...apparently my godfather with whom we had our plan failed to pay his bill for the past 4 months...which is a problem since we are extra lines under him...so they shut off our phones.  I'll get a new cell on Tuesday or Wednesday, so yay for me!! Although...my other half and I got a plan together ::whispers this and makes a shooshing motion:: Just kidding!! We really did get a plan...and it's a cute phone...our first joint...action?? ::raises an eyebrow:: Whatever! We have a plan together, end of story!

A last note to all who didn't believe we were engaged, thought we wouldn't make it this far or felt that they could fit nicely in between us: go crawl back to the little hole you came from. ::smiles sweetly:: What our relationship is or isn't does not concern you in any way, so please refrain from feeling it necessary to make your opinions matter.  I am in love . I am completely consumed by it and I am happier then I have ever thought possible.  It is such a wonderful and miraculous thing to be in love, and to be loved by someone as amazing as Eric. I'm the luckiest person in the entire world, and I thank what ever powers are out there for bringing this utterly beautiful person into my life.

 My friend Vanessa was so excited she cried...she also said "There's hope!" before giving me another hug.  She is right; everyone can find love and happieness, you just have to give it time and have a glimmer of hope inside of you.  You can't look for love, because you won't find it. You have to let it come to you and you have to let it find you.  For those of you out there searching or feeling helples, hang in there!! It'll happen when you least expect it, and it will be the most amazing thing in the world!! And again to those who feel it necessary to make their opinions and trivial thoughts seem important...knock it off . ::shakes head:: Get a grip on reality and realize that there are simply things that do not concern you nor need your input whatsoever.  Keep whatever thoughts and comments are floating in your head to yourself because you'll only cause yourself trouble in the end .

Current mood: loved

Current music: Sara Evans-Born To Fly=Saints and Angels

1:13PM - General mussings while being ill

So I'm mega sick. Yeppers, definately sick...as in chest pains, coughing, can't breath, yada yada yada...but Eric(a) is sick too. ::laughs...coughs:: Yeah, both of us are sick, fun times, no? ::smiles weakly:: We sound wonderful, we feel terrible, but we are, for some strange reason, still planning on going to the True Colors Dance Saturday night. ::ponders:: Hopefully we feel somewhat up for it...::laughs weakly:: ~Anyway~
Last night we were talking, or rather getting ready for what should have been restful sleep (but wasn't ::hangs head:: sorry!), and people kept bothering us, and I got severly irritated with one in particular...so I posed the question of whether or not I was jealous. I was promptly told I wasn't, just protective; which means my hissing and growling when others decide that their pointless and selfish opinions/actions matter isn't jealousy...just my way for saying "Mine" and then going on with my life.  However, it severly irritates me when repeat offenders (and I mean repeat offenders ::looks irritated::) continue on with their obvious stupidity.  Your point has been made, the verdict has been announced, NEXT!!! Move on with your life, grow up a bit and realize that what you want and/or need doesn't matter anymore (at least not to me ::smirks evily::).  Choices were made and others have moved on...why is it so damn hard for you? ::huffs..coughs...dies a little:: GGGRRRRR....I just can't stand stupid people....can't stand them even more when I'm not sick...::growls...coughs...sighs and slumps in seat:: I quit...I really don't, but I just don't get it...why do some people irritate so well? Is it some sort of gift? ::ponders::
::Sighs:: But being sick sucks, hardcore...it's even worse when your other half is sick too....it's kinda funny too, cuz we try to baby eachother even though we both feel like crap...it's kinda cute ::Smiles::  It's when I'm in a crappy mood or feeling blah (or sick apparently) that I get all deep thoughtish (or "long winded" as my husband so lovingly states ::winks::), and I wonder how I got so lucky in finding someone like Eric(a) to love for the rest of my life. It boggles my poor lil' noggin that someone so wonderful, so amazing and loving is going to commit themself to me of all people ::eyebrows raise, eyes bug a bit, head swims:: What's so amazing about me, huh?? ::face squishes into pondering look:: I'm psycho and everywhere at once, I jump to conclusions and I always seem to have to argue about something, I'm an emotional ball of blah, and I'm apparenlty utterly incapable of understanding why a completely wonderful and amazing person is in love with me...::shakes head and sighs heavily::
I'm so glad that I have a lifetime (and then some) to figure out why I'm so amazing to my husband, because for the life of me, I can't see why I am ::ponders harder:: I can, however list why my husband is so wonderful ::coughs to clear throat:: : you are amazing, wonderful, loving, caring, compassionate, considerate, respectful, honest, stubbron, passionate, intriguing, mysterious, inquisitive, a great listener, someone who can be counted on, someone who I trust above all others, someone who I can't help but fall in love with every moment, someone who understands me, and someone who loves me in a way that is so...amazing? wonderous? astounding? ::shakes head:: i can't describe the way it is in which you love me....but I can tell you that it makes me cry sometimes, it makes my heart stop for a second when I look in your eyes and see that you love me, it makes it hard for me to function when you aren't around...all I can say is that your love sustains me in ways nothing else could....and it boggles my brain sometimes as to why you love me so....but then again, it's not so hard to understand why....it's almost the same way i love you....
Now, I'm feeling really sick and my head hurts from thinking too damn much....being contemplative while ill is freakin taxing as hell!! ::grabs head as it pounds:: Bah!! Stupid sickness...::pouts:: Off to help poor fools who can't remember their passwords....

Current mood: sick

Current music: The Fray-Over My Head (Cable Car)

8:28PM - summer is almost over

Well, I know i've been not so good with updating, but hey, sue me! ::laughs:: Life's been crazy and emotional for me lately...making big decisions about my sick puppy Shadow, telling my mom i'm leaving earlier then planned, and getting uber, UBER excited at being back in EricA's arms sooner then expected....life is just interesting to say the least ::chuckles:: But, I really can't complain though...life continues on and no matter the struggles or troubles, the one constant is that I have someone who loves me no matter what. I'm still amazed by that, but what can i say...never really thought i'd find one person in all the world who can know me and love me so well and so much. It's amazing!!! Truly amazing...and it's a blessing. They say that home is where the heart is...in that case, I can't wait to get home!!!! Love You EricA!!!!

Current mood: ecstatic

Current music: Chrno Crusade Soundtrack

1:26AM - Lots to tell

Well, I am no longer with the boy (asshole, prick, etc...he should die)::hisses and growls::. YAYS!!::jumps up and down in room:: I am happily engaged to a rather remarkable person named Erica, who without a doubt, knows me better then anyone else in the world. So many of the things that each of us likes we find in the other, and we still surprise each other everyday. I love her more and more every moment I get to talk with her (summering in Florida bites hardcore right now). School doesn't start again until the end of August (heeheehee, I turn 21 on the 5th!) so we are trying (in vain it seems) to get a visit together. Stupid airlines....gggrrrr. ~Anyway~ I am extremely happy now, and even though I'm 1,000+ miles away from her, she's always on my mind. She's awesome and wonderful and...just so many things that I can't even put into words. I Love her more then anything, more then anyone (she up there with mom, and you know how close my mom and I are), and more then myself. She doesn't know it (I don't think), but she's got all of me, everything I am or was or will be, for however long she wants me...which I am certain is forever because we're engaged...::BEAMS:: Just want to add a final thing before I wander off....I LOVE YOU ERICA MARIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ::beams::
*blows a kiss and waves* bye!

Current mood: touched

Current music: Allison Krause: When You Say Nothing At All

12:19AM - Spring Break!!!

Yay!!! So, my Spring Break is almost here!!! ::does happy dance:: I can't wait until I can be back home with my mom and my luv and my puppies!!!! But....I have too much shit to do and not enough time to do it.....gggrrrr!!! ~Anyway~ I just watched Project Runway, and can I say that Daniel V. owns a tiny portion of my soul!! He is so amusing it's not even funny, and he has such amazing talent....why was Tim being such a jerk to him, anyway?! *sigh* I also found some interesting people I haven't talked to in years (you know who you are). Not sure what's going to happen with that.....what will be will be ::shrugs:: Anywho, gots to go and try to attain that thing called 'restful' sleep...like that'll happen!!! I'm in college and I'm supposed to sleep.....so not something that happens on a regular basis!! Ja ne!!! ::scampers away::

Current mood: crazy

Current music: "Sound Effects And Overdramatics"-The Used: In Love And Deat

4:27PM - Why me?

So I called my mom this morning to find out why she wasn't returning my phone calls....turns out that my boyfriend was in the hospital with head trauma cause he was jumped at work. He's on pain killers and doesn't really remember much that happened, but he'll be ok. I'm just upset that I can't be there to help him...not that I would do much good. *sighs*

Current mood: crushed

10:55AM - WOOHOO!!

Wow, i finally joined this site. Only took me a few years to get around to it. Oh well. At least i did it. Not planning on keeping tabs on it everyday , but will try to make an entry at least once or twice a week!! =P

Current mood: content